The _______ Life of Brent and Erika

Social science says that there are five stages of grief; the stages of my own grief go something like this: 1.  Crying 2. Research 3. Dark humor 4. Writing 5. Acceptance The timeline differs, but the patterns remain the same. When confronted with something terrible, I cry, then research, then joke, then write, and then move on. Here's step four: "On such small hinges turn the gates of our lives" (Gordon B Hinckley) Small things matter. Last July, something small snapped inside the engine of our car, and that snap combined with a lifetime of a slow but steady oil leak to turn our reliable family car into a fiery deathtrap . Last August, there was an abnormality with a cell that caused an embryo to abandon its cause, leaving my body to grow an empty sac for 10 weeks before my body shed that shell and my hope for a child with it. Eight years ago, Brent made a choice to wear a ninja turtles shirt and green pants to do laundry, and that small detail stuck in my m...

I don't quite know how to start this post; I keep trying to come up with witty and/or insightful opening lines ("The election is over, which means we can all go back to being civil and stop demonizing our political opponents! Because that's always the state of our country during non-election years! Oh, wait...), but none are striking the right tone, so I'll just go with this: Here are some thoughts on politics, elections, and things that I think will make the process less vitriolic and maybe even more effective in the coming years (this post might be a long one; I keep telling myself that I don't have time to write this much right now, except that I can't concentrate on anything else until I get this out. I've tried, and it's been completely fruitless): 1. More research, less name-calling.   I think we can all agree that we all need to do more research. On Facebook (which, admittedly, is not necessarily the place for informed political discourse, ...

This is probably too much information for some of you, but I just have to write this somewhere, and for some reason Facebook doesn't seem appropriate but this blog does? Perhaps because if you're here, it's because you choose to be. At any rate, if you're scared by words concerning female anatomy, maybe don't keep reading. There are probably all sorts of things that the first post in five months should do, and this post will do none of them, so deal with it. There are things that no one tells you when you decide to try to have children. Some of these things are as follows: 1. It's probably not going to go as quickly as you think; this is okay. Please remember that trying for 6 months is not a "long time." 2. Sometimes, your little bit of a long time will turn into a very long time. This will cause you to call doctors and to subject yourself to tests and procedures that you never could have imagined. 3. There will come a point where words like...

This is my 200th post. Word. Brent and I are speaking in church on the 30th. My topic is about finding joy in the Atonement, which seems fitting since I've had a bit of a hard time really feeling joy lately (though Brent is still employed, so that helps!). I found this quote that I've decided to share with you: "Simple, rejuvenating experiences surround us. They can be safety valves to keep the tension down and the spirit up. Don’t concentrate on what you don’t have or have lost. The Lord promised the obedient to share all that He possesses with them. You may temporarily lack here, but in the next life, if you prove yourself worthy by living valiantly, a fulness will be your blessing. Find the compensatory blessings in your life when, in the wisdom of the Lord, He deprives you of something you very much want. To the sightless or hearing impaired, He sharpens the other senses. To the ill, He gives patience, understanding, and increased appreciation for others’ kindness. Wit...

I feel like I should start this by saying that this blog is not my journal, but occasionally I write something in my journal that I feel like it might be nice to share on this blog. This is one of those times. I'm going through the new Personal Progress program, and I've decided to earn my YW Recognition award by completing the whole program (not the toned-down leader version). I'm moving around and completing different value experiences, and I just finished one of the ones about faith. Here are some thoughts: Faith is at once an easy and difficult principle for me to comprehend and practice. Actually, the comprehending part is easy--the practicing part is harder. In a talk entitled " Shall He Find Faith on the Earth? " Joseph B. Wirthlin (whose messages I miss dearly) offers the following about faith: "Faith exists when absolute confidence in that which we cannot see combines with action that is in absolute conformity to the will of our Heavenly Father....

still no capitalizing--i've started trying to bring my right hand back into the typing mix, but in addition to being slightly painful and inconvenient anyway, i managed to stick a large thorn up under the fingernail of my index finger while deadheading the roses today, so it's all a bit frustrating. anyhow... do you ever feel like doing everything and nothing at the same time? like you can envision your life going in so many different directions in ways big and small, and the thought of all your life's possible alluring paths--all good--is so paralyzing that instead you choose to do nothing? the more i move toward my own career and think about my future prospects in general, i'm starting to realize that it takes a lot of courage to limit your options, to choose one thing over another. i found the progressive pioneer blog today, and so much of the idea of the blog inspires me. what inspires me even more is that she found something she loved and was passionate about and h...

The title of this post is from one of my favorite Switchfoot songs. Most of the song consists of them singing this line over and over again. There are times when we go through shadow in our lives, and I think that those of us not currently experiencing shadow in our lives aren't always good about comforting the way we might (what could I possibly say to the couple in our ward who recently lost a child? "Don't worry, hard things make you stronger?" That seems...heartless. I don't know them that well, so I ended up saying nothing, but I think about them all the time lately), and those of us wading through the shadow don't always find comfort in the same answers that we would readily give to others. Maybe that was a muddled paragraph, but the point is this: the shadow proves the sunshine. Darker periods in our lives help us realize the good things that we have, and can help us draw closer to "The Father of Lights" ( James 1:17 ) It's been a hard wee...

Some things I've been thinking about: The other day I was reading in Matthew, and the Savior gives a parable wherein a few people are hired to work for a penny a day (apparently these are good wages...?) by the Lord of a vineyard, and so they go to work. Throughout the day, the Lord of the vineyard keeps sending in more laborers, until the very end. At the end of the day, the Lord of the vineyard pays everyone the same. Those who had been working since the morning found this unfair--they had worked more than twice as long as some of the other workers! Why weren't they getting paid more? The Lord gently reminds them that they are getting paid what they were promised. Why should they complain? It doesn't matter when someone chooses to repent. I'm even going to go out on a limb and say that deathbed repentance--if sincere--also counts. And those who have been laborers all along--perhaps those who have had access to the truth all their lives--should be reminded that this la...

So in case you missed it (I know that at least one person read it!) I'm planning on going meatless in July. Not permanently, just for July. I'm doing this (much to the chagrin (or maybe just eye-rolling) of my mother) for a few reasons: 1. Something bizarre within me thinks it will be fun. I think it's the same desire that makes me want to have children without medication (okay, it's a different desire, but the reasoning is slightly the same): I want to prove to myself that I can do it. People have had babies without medication for centuries; I am as strong as they are. People have probably also been vegetarians for centuries; I am as disciplined as they are. Vegetarianism has always been a little bit exciting to me, maybe because it seems a little counter-cultural without actually doing anyone any harm (other than some meat/poultry farmers, but let's face it: when a sandwich like the KFC Double Down can even EXIST in this country, my going meatless isn't puttin...

I'm currently doing research for my film theory paper, and here are some quotes that I find quite compelling in their discussion of what art is for (both are in Andre Bazin's "The Ontology of the Photographic Image" from What is Cinema? ) If the plastic arts were put under psychoanalysis, the practice of embalming the dead might turn out to be a fundamental factor in their creation. The process might reveal that the origin of painting and sculpture there lies a mummy complex. The religion of ancient Egypt, aimed against death, saw survival as depending on the continued existence of the corporeal body. Thus, by providing a defense against the passage of time it satisfied a basic psychological need in man, for death is but the victory of time. The aesthetic qualities of photography are to be sought in its power to lay bare the realities.[...] Only the impassive lens, stripping its object of all those ways of seeing it, those piled-up preconceptions, that spiritual ...

So I've been thinking a bit (I almost said a lot, but when I realize that in a given week I probably think more about what to cook for dinner than I do about our health care system, I revised it) about health care lately. Here are some problems: 1. Our health care system is expensive. People who want to have insurance can't have it (for a variety of reasons), people who don't have insurance have a legal right to be treated anyway (which means that the hospital, and by extension, those who have insurance and/or pay their medical bills without insurance pick up the bill), and people who do have insurance still have to pay a lot. 2. Health care has turned into a partisan issue. I understand why this is (extreme right wants the government to stay out of affairs, extreme left wants the government to do everything), but getting stuck at these two poles is what led to our mostly-by-accident mish-mash of a health care system in the first place, and remaining here won't help any...

So, typically I avoid discussion of politics because I've found that it often introduces contention into relationships that I really value, and with no real benefit. However, I just learned that Obama has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and here's why I think it's a good thing (this is copied directly from a comment I just left on another blog): It's true that not much has happened yet in Obama's presidency (anybody see SNL's last opener? That checklist was satirical genius), but the fact that he's even TRYING is fantastic, and I think that this Peace Prize is well deserved. Obama has the numbers in congress to pass virtually anything he wants--the fact that they haven't just bulldozed through with a healthcare bill, for example, shows some progress in the right direction, a move away from the "This is what I think, and I'm in power, so I'm right!" mentality towards one of greater cooperation. Do I agree with all of Obama's poli...

This morning I spent three and a half hours attempting to turn our jungle of a backyard into something recognizable as "lawn". In a tedious process of weed whacking, mowing, raking, mowing, whacking, racking, and bagging the clippings by hand, our yard looks mostly good. Some places were still a little too wet for our reel mower to cut very well, and in some places the grass is so trampled that I've got to mow it from lots of different directions to get it to cut (reminds me of Brent's hair...he's got lots of cowlicks), but it's definitely an improvement. After finishing the back, I decided to do the few places in the front that we didn't get on Saturday, and just for kicks and giggles and service I decided to mow the rest of the lawn that we share with the neighbors. I am already sore, and I love it. I mean, I don't love being sore, but I actually love the feeling of manual labor. I've wanted to write essays about it before, and liken it to Camus...

When I was younger I had a friend named Missy. I think her name was Melissa, but she went by Missy. She was a year older than me, and she didn't come to church, so I only knew her for about a year. Her house was on the east side of our block, and it was the only house on her side of the block, which meant that her front yard was big and her property wrapped around the side of the block on either side. The small space of grass between the sidewalk and the road--the space that is usually occupied only by the occasional mailbox and dog droppings--had several trees in it. They were cool trees, deciduous trees, the kind of trees that have beautiful flowers in the spring, nice shade in the summer, colorful leaves in autumn, and look amazing when snow lines their skeletal branches in the winter. Or they would have, if her dad didn't chop them. I didn't understand why he did it. Even before we were friends, I had noticed that the trees at that house got chopped every winter. Branch...

We had our first session of stake conference today, and one of the speakers was an older single lady who is really involved in family history. She said that she loved her life, and that she didn't even mind being single except when she started to think about her death. This is what she had to say about it (paraphrased, obviously): "When I die, I've decided that there will be no male pallbearers--they're not taking me out when I'm alive, so they shouldn't get to take me out when I'm dead!"

Okay, I've been tagged for this one multiple times, so here goes: Six Quirks about me: 1. When it comes to my media diet, I'm bulimic: I binge and purge. Right now, I'm binging on Lost. We discovered that all the episodes are online, and since Brent has been sick the past three days, we've been watching a lot of it (we're in season two now, in case you were wondering). Other notable binging instances: on Halloween we watched something like 16 episodes of Arrested Development --we stayed up until five in the morning. Occasionally, when we go to Brent's parents' house, we watch as many episodes of Monk as we can before we crash at 2 or 3 in the morning. When we house sit for their dog one week over the summer, I think I watched (I am not making this up) 50 episodes of What Not to Wear . And then, of course, we get to reading: I have read every Harry Potter book in one day except for number seven (we were working on Food Boy when it came out, and we were exh...

Okay, I don't know that the hyphens are necessary in the title. Oh well. I have two dilemmas in my life that I find somewhat related (symbolically, not actually). I'm hoping that some of you may be able to offer me suggestions to solve both problems (one is more serious than the other). I love to cook. Many of you know this. However, I'm terrible at planning ahead, and I'm often afraid to try new recipes because I hate being disappointed. What this ends up meaning is that I find a few easy, fast recipes that I really like, and I make them over and over again. I rotate recipes on about a two-three month cycle, and right now I'm sick of practically everything I make. Things that I used to like (stir fry, lasagna, bbq chicken, loaded baked potatoes) are becoming repulsive to me because I've just had them too much. Eating is not fun anymore. The answer to this dilemma is obvious: I need some more planning, and I need some new recipes. Okay, on to the second dilemma....

First, a funny story: today Brent put on a shirt that he hasn't worn for quite a while since it's a t-shirt (not "teacher attire"), and as I looked at him I noticed that there was a funny bulge on his stomach, almost like it had been folded really badly (which wasn't really a possibility since it was hanging up). I walked up to him, poked it, and lo and behold! One of my socks that I've been looking for for weeks! It's been hiding in his shirt for more than a month. I'm wearing it right now, and it feels great. I'm spending a lot of my time right now preparing for my class in Spring semester (all on my own!), and as part of that preparation I'm spending a lot of time with my textbook. As I read the introduction, I came across the following two AMAZING quotes: " Seeing comes before words." -- James Berger " No method nor discipline can supersede the necessity of being forever on the alert. What is a course of history, or philosoph...